11:11

11:11.

Such a funny thing. People wish on a time, they wish for fortune, love, peace, anything to give them a peace of mind. Does it ever come true? People wish and wish and wish, twice a day, you get a wish. 2 IN ONE DAY! WHOOO! 

Or Does your wish actually get logged? Does it get put into a file, into a database of the world, of everyone’s wishes, and once the person before you gets served their wish, you get yours? When someone who has millions of billions of dollars, and they wish, and wish, and they’re before you, and they get their wish, and the thing you wish for is from that man, and he gets rid of you, like an old pair of shoes, how would your wish come true then? is it just deleted, and put into the trash-bin? Why wish for something you want, why not wish for the ability to accomplish it. Why not wish for the ability to achieve your goal with your own two hands and feet. Wouldn’t you feel more accomplished that way? I know I certainly would. I know when I study for a test, and i get 95% on it, I feel amazing. Certainly better than I would feel if I had cheated, if I had just, glanced over at the person’s sheet beside me, I wouldn’t feel accomplished, I wouldn’t feel happiness. I would feel relieved, that our tests weren’t to close to the same that I was caught, and that I would have failed it.

11:11.

I don’t want to kid myself anymore, I don’t want to give myself false hope that what I want will come just simply because I wish for it. Nothing like that ever works. Sometimes, only sometimes though, I get the chance to change, change how I’m feeling, what I want to do, and how I choose to live. Not because I’m wishing on something that won’t happen, yet, because I’m using my hands, and standing tall, I’m trying to get what I, myself want, by working, with my hands, and not wishing with my mind, and having it logged into a database, so sometime, in the future, it gets answered

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Inside My Head

Why am I here? It’s not like anyone will really miss me, it’s not like my parents wouldn’t move on. I have no friends anyway, no way to cope, nothing, I’m just drowning in this eternal darkness of a mind. When everyones around, I rarely talk, I retreat to the back part of my mind, I wonder if I’ll cry myself to sleep, I wonder, if in this new place my best friend won’t betray me, wont have her other friends gang up on me, and won’t strip my friends away from me.. I wonder, if I’ll find someone I can actually talk to here, if I’ll actually be capable of loving someone else, when I loath myself so much. Why am I here? Is it to drown in my tears? Is it to die of blood-loss from my cutting? Am I supposed to be writing my note? I mean.. thats what people do right? Leave notes.

People say “Oh its just a phase you’re going through, everyone does.” Theres nothing about what I’m going through that’s a “phase” Whoever thought that up need to get shot because theres nothing about this thats a “phase” I will not get over this on my own, and no one is helping me so its getting worse and worse until the point where im going to take my own life. And thinking about that, I’m truly and utterly not afraid to kill myself. I’m not afraid of that blade. In reality, if someone held a gun to my head, I’d put my head to the barrel and say, “I dare you.”.

I cut, and have suicidal thoughts, I’ve gone a couple days now without cutting, but not a single day. Not a single day, without a suicidal thought. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I just can’t get out of this darkness in my head, when I’m alone, I don’t smile, if I am, I’m faking it. I have no reason to smile, I hate myself, I hate myself Soooo much. I’m sitting here wondering,  “When will cutting not be enough, will I end up writing a note?” When will it be enough? When the same thing at my last school happens here? When I cry harder? When I start cutting again? Am I THAT ungrateful? I have a roof over my head, a family, a room to myself, nice clothing to wear, WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED? WHY DO I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH? WHY AM I HERE.

Why am I here? No one will miss me, people will say, “She was beautiful” When they won’t have even known me.

Hoie!

Hey People, Followers, whatever you are,

So you must be kind of different, or have something wrong with your head if your following me, I’m just another un-noticed teenager, nothing special about me. I don’t think I even have any skills, or talents. I’m ok at writing and I suck at drawing. I listen to music (hahaha, doesn’t everyone -.-) but seriously, I do, religiously. Some of my favourite bands are… (waiting for that drumroll, pfft, I’m a loner nevermind.) ADTR, OM&M, SWS, NevershoutNever!Mayday Parade, ATR, Paramore, and Panic! at the Disco. If you know what the acronyms are; Right on! you’re awesome! and if you don’t, well then you’re probably some hipster, loser, or someone I just dont want on here and commenting sooooo, YEAH! And matter-of-factly, I do type as if i was writing, unless I have to do a report of some ungodly subject for school. Don’t like it? You can fuck off! Why are you even checking out my blog anyway? (Leave a comment on how you arrived here please, unless theres some messaging device ont here o.O, 😀 )

Info about me:

Some people believe in god,

I believe in Unicorns and Zombies.

I’m socially awkward,

Kitties.

I prefer to be alone. (I still have friends, I’m not that much of a loner)

I use A LOT of sarcasm.

Cute Kitties

I Fucking love Starwars, I watch the movies about 20 times a week.

Music is my chocolate. Kitty.

I play video games too much. Depressed. Self-destructive. Bipolar.

Impulsive.

Reckless.

Complicated.

You can follow my tumblr HERE.